if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
