My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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