He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
