I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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