There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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