I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
