dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
