Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
