i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
