I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize