two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
