It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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