I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
