I need help removing her.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
