Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
