Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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