you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
