seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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