In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize