This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
