It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
