I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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