Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
