I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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