I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
