its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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