It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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