I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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