No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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