Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
