I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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