The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
