happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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