Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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