I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
