sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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