Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
