I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
