FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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