why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
