Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
