So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's official drugs can't kill me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Randomize