Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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