I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I just shit out all my problems.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
