Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
