My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
