Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
