but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
