Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
