guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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