im having a threesome with these popsicles
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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