i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
