I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
