you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
that may or may not have been my penis.
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