You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
