jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
