Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
