Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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