peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
