Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The best revenge is premature balding
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
