I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
