...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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