I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
