fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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