I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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